Nobody Eat! We Haven't Prayed!

If you ate as good as we do y’all would be fat too!

If there is one thing that we Southerners know how to do it’s eat.
Now I know what you are thinking, everyone knows how to do that right…ha ha,
wrong. What people do in L.A. cannot be called eating. Los Angelinos tend to eat
to live where as Southerners live to eat. There is a reason that the South is the
most obese part of the country. You might be lead to think it’s because we are
lazy and sit around in our recliners and do nothing but watch NASCAR and reruns of Little house on the Prairie and Walker Texas Ranger, but you would be wrong.  I am here to tell you that is not at all true, in fact people in the South are some of
the hardest working people in the country. No, the reason we tend to tip the
scales and keep stores like Big and Tall in business is our food. Perhaps it’s not
considered fine dining, but deep Southern food is some of the best you will ever
taste.
That is one of the things I miss most when I am way from the dirty South. Food in L.A. is far from satisfying after you have had Mamaw’s
chicken and dumplins or Grandmother’s fried chicken (two different people by
the way). Now, true, come Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Fourth of July,
Memorial Day and basically any major holiday as well as Sunday lunch (I’m
convinced my home church has a committee that just comes up with reasons to
get together and eat) our pants can get a little tight, but honey don’t you know
that is what Spanx are for? As a matter of fact I give credit for my hips to my
Mamaw, not her genes, her chocolate cake, that son of a bitch is slap your Mama
good!
Now some of you might be thinking how different can it be, really, the difference between southern food and the atrocity that is L.A. food. Well it’s your lucky day, my friends, I am here to take you through the ends and outs of Southern food. Meal by meal I will give examples of L.A. food and a Southern equivalent.
Let’s start with breakfast. Go to any café or bistro on the streets of the city
of angels and look at their morning menu and you will find something along the
lines of a list of omelets many of which are “healthy” and made with egg whites,
scones, muffins, now they do have pancakes I’ll give them that, but that may be
the only redeeming quality. If you strolled into Mamaw’s house any given morning
you would find biscuits with gravy or butter and syrup, sausage, bacon, whole
eggs not just the whites. Let me clarify by saying that these are not all individual
meals, all of this goes on one plate. Of course these are not the only breakfast
options, but I think it is safe to say they are the most common. Sometimes on a
special morning my mama would make these mini apple pie tasting things and oh
my god, talk about good. If you ask me there is just no comparison, egg whites or
biscuits with butter and syrup? It’s no Sophie’s Choice people it’s a classic no
brainer.
Next we have lunch.  Lunch in Los Angeles is just sad to me. I mean you go
into a restaurant and are presented with an assortment of sandwiches,
Panini’s, and wraps that have a tendency to leave you with this empty
unsatisfying feeling in the pit of your stomach; that feeling is hunger. You should
recognize it, it’s a chronic problem in Hollywood. If you want to know if what
you’re feeling is hunger just turn on your TV to any entertainment channel and if
the look on your face matches the look of the pissed off model on the runway you
can pretty much bet your hungry. Lunch down home can consist of many different
things. But if you’re getting together with the family then you are probably eating
some sort of chicken dish (probably fried, let’s face it that’s the best way) with
mashed potatoes, rice, butter beans, and string beans. There is also a chance that
you are eating some other sort of fried dish as well. We tend to fry whatever we
can in the south: pickles, squash, peppers, cheese, okra, corn, Twinkies, Oreos,
and a large number of other foods. We are quite creative in the South,
unfortunately this creativeness with food is usually what leads to our rising pant
size.
Finally we reach the climax on our menu list and that is Supper!  Now supper in this glamorous city we call Los Angeles isn’t all bad. I have in fact had many a good meal out here but the problem lies in the presentation. I usually have to pick a dish I can barely pronounce and strip it down to its bare minimum so I can make the dish recognizable.  So many times a perfectly good piece of chicken is ruined by some sauce that truthfully tastes like a watered down mix of mustard, Thousand Island dressing, and pepper. Maybe it’s my unrefined palette but I prefer the spread on the dining room table at home or a good old fashioned family restaurant. Supper meals at home are absolutely divine. One of my personal favorites is fried catfish with turnip greens, hush puppies, and a sweet potato. However you can also never go wrong with a big juicy steak. Another completely acceptable option is a roast served with mash potatoes, corn, rice, cornbread or biscuits, and gravy made from good old fashion fat and grease. Dessert would be whatever kind of delightful cake or pie Mama or Mamaw felt like making (if you’re lucky you get both).
So now you see the real reason diabetes, obesity, and heart disease settles in the South, it’s all about the food baby. I would like to say that I honestly have nothing against Los Angeles or your food. I do love living here, your meals just aren’t my cup of tea. I know that some of these meals might sound mortifying to some of you health nuts, but take comfort in the fact that your food sounds even worse to us.  So I propose we strike a bargain; you don’t constantly try to feed me your tofu, and I will resist the urge to toss your salad in the trash and stuff a big chunk of juicy red meat down your throat.  Do we have a deal?...Bon appetite!