How to weed out Mr.
Wrong from Mr. Right without daddy’s shot gun.
Dating. It’s a
term that no single woman particularly cares to hear. I hate dating, what with
the sweaty palms, and awkward silences, and attempting to find that fine line
between not being too quiet and talking too much, who needs it? Personally I would rather just jump right
into the relationship part of it, but that is like trying to get a Southerner
to skip Sunday lunch…it ain’t gonna happen! As if dating wasn’t bad enough on
its own, add the whole culture difference between Southern dating style and
what seems to be the style of the rest of the country and you find yourself in
my shoes…up shit creek. I know what y’all are thinking, ‘How different can it
really be?’ I was also under this delusion, and then I was rudely awakened.
It’s not that
the men of the city are bad their just different. I never thought I would miss
a good pair of Wrangler jeans on a man as much as I do now. Every Southern
woman can attest to the fact that there is nothing like seeing a man walking by
in a perfect pair of jeans! When a man knows how to wear a pair of pants he
automatically gets brownie points.
However out here these men are few and far between.Out here you
basically have three extremes when it comes to men’s pants and they are as
follows:
The sagging
pants. Ok I know that this is a trend everywhere but I have never understood
it. It can’t be comfortable and is completely useless in terms of utility. Every time is see a guy walking down the
street in a pair of pants like this I honestly want to go up and pull them down
exposing what is sure to be some embarrassing type of underwear. And when they got all upset I would just say,
“Oh I’m sorry I just assumed that you were trying
to expose yourself to the street and I wanted to lend a helping hand.” After
all what are Southern belles if not helpful.
The surfer
shorts. Now this would not bother me so bad if the men who wore them didn’t
insist on wearing them all the time. I mean if you’re at the beach then, honey,
by all means show off those tan surfer legs, you won’t hear me complaining,
especially if they have a nice upper body to match! But the other day I was in
the Target and I saw this guy wearing a wife beater and surfer shorts. My issue
with this is that it was probably 50 degrees outside and it was raining, which
doesn’t happen often in LA, and when it does you would think that the world was
ending and it was acid falling from the sky instead just plain old water, so I
guess I can forgive his confusion. But for the most part can we please keep the
board shorts confined to the beach. I
swear if someone walked around the Wal-Mart in my home town dressed in their
bathing suit when it was cold and raining outside then I am sure someone would
be inclined to call the very nice men in white jackets from the crazy place to
take them away. Sure you might be thinking if someone wants to dress like that
why should anyone stand in their way? Everyone should just mind their own,
right? To that I say HA! It wouldn’t be
a small Southern town if everyone wasn’t in everyone else’s business. How else
would we know who to put on this week’s prayer list in the church bulletin?
And finally, my
least favorite style, the skinny jean. Ok so on a woman the skinny jean is a
great wardrobe choice. They show off our curves (well those of us in LA who
still have curves, I’m beginning to think that we are an endangered species out
here), and they look great with our heels, but on a man no thank you. I think
more than anything else it perplexes me. If you think about it there are just
certain logistical issues that are bound to come up when getting dressed. I
don’t want to be crass but I imagine his “boys” are not very happy with him at
the end of the day. Now obviously I’m not a man but I know that his “little
soldier” is very important to him, so why would you do that to something you
care so much about?
Of course this is just one belle’s
opinion on the wardrobe of the West. I’m not saying we all feel this way, but I
would if I were a betting woman I would say that most belles would choose a
good pair of Wranglers that show off a man’s assets just right, over any of the
three above mentioned looks.
Now the look is just the tip of the
ice-burg when it comes to my man troubles. Finding a good ole boy out here is
like finding a Baptist in the front row, very rare. I mean really how I am
supposed to tell the good ones from the bad ones without my daddy’s shotgun? To
the Yankees reading let me explain. It is a common practice in the South for
the dad to have his gun or guns on display when a boy comes to take his baby
girl out. Most of the time the guns are just sitting on the table so the boy
knows they are there. Every now and then Daddy will be cleaning the gun so the
boy knows it is in good condition. However there are the cases, and I won’t
name any names, where daddy dearest will actually shoot the gun upon the young
man’s arrival scaring the ever living out of him and ensuring that he won’t be
back. If you’re wondering this did not happen to me, but I will say that I am
very close to girl it did happen to, and her dad is like a father to me as
well. Take from that what you will.
The etiquette of dating out here is different
too. I have only been on one date where I wasn’t expected to open my own door.
I know it’s not forward thinking and that I am perfectly capable of opening a
door for myself, but I don’t remember voting to kill chivalry. It would be nice
for a man to offer to open the door. I have actually sat in the car and waited
for a guy to open the door and would not get out until he did. I am very happy
to say that I got my point across, however he never called me again; perhaps I
should rethink my tactics.
Something else that gets me is this
whole “going Dutch” thing. Again maybe I’m just a product of my raising, but I
ain’t Dutch, okay? So I think a man should pay.
Not all the time, mind you, but come on, at least on the first date.
Again the number of dates I have been on where the guy refused to let me pay
are also very low. The way I see it
whoever does the asking out should do the paying. This is why I never ask a man
out. Now that may sound selfish but I’m a struggling actress, and hey, a girl’s
got to eat right? Interestingly enough one of the guys that paid was the one
and only guy who willingly opened the doors. Maybe I shouldn’t have dumped him
so fast, but he failed the jeans test. Who am I if I don’t have my standards?
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