Sunny days and Shopping ways:

Weather and shopping as told by a Southern transplant.

 

I was sitting at my Hollywood apartment the other day, staring out the window at the sunshine, palm trees, and beautiful blue sky and it hit me…what the hell is wrong with this place! Everyday it’s the same thing sunshine, sunshine, sunshine! It’s kind of like being stuck in a really weird horror movie. I keep expecting a sunshine fueled monster to attack the city and there would be no way to stop him because God knows the world would end if LA got a cloudy day. I’m not saying the sunshine isn’t nice, of course it is, I love the beach just as much as the next girl; but every damn day of the week? Doesn’t the weather know how to do anything else! If it weren’t for the crappy neighborhood and constant mariachi music coming from the building next door, you would think I lived in Stepford! All I am asking for is a little rain more than twice a year, but no I look out the window and all I see is the lovely vitamin D! Not one single cloud in the sky. Of course if it was raining that would be a whole different disaster. Being that rain in LA is so rare, people tend to think the sky is falling when we get the slightest sprinkle. I promise guys it’s just rain not acid, it won’t burn you, or melt you, or coat you with some weird chemical, it will just get you wet! Earthquakes they can handle, fires they can cope with, but the minute that first drop hits the ground you would think you were witnessing an apocalypse of some kind. I don’t know what they would do if it ever rained here like it does in the south, but I imagine boats would be involved; to be fair though I would probably act the same way if I had to figure out how to drive in the snow. Maybe I am being a bit harsh on my West Coast friends; I mean it’s not their fault that the place they live in is a smog-lined bubble of sunshine.

On the other hand seeing that most of the LA shopping is outside the nice weather makes for some great retail therapy days; we Southern women do love to shop! LA has some of the best shopping I have ever seen. There is a store for pretty much anything. On Melrose there are stores with all white clothes, stores with all black clothes, shoe stores, purse stores, Goth stores, costume stores, vintage stores, S&M stores…I think you get where I’m going with this. You can get pretty much anything out here if you know where to look. And don’t even get me started on Rodeo Drive! Just walking down that street will make you feel special. Going inside the stores is even better. I mean they really care about customer service. Every time I step in one of those stores they pay extra attention to me. Little ole me in plain blue jeans I get more attention than the woman in the Chanel dress who came in behind me. And when I pick something up they get real interested in me. There is something about a store that makes you feel like a genuine white trash shoplifting threat that warms the heart!

I would never be treated like that in Wal-Mart, I have serious trouble getting anyone’s attention in Wal-Mart. That is one thing that LA runs low on… Wally World, there are very few Wal-Marts in the land of dreams. I remember coming home for Christmas after my first year out here and all my friends asking what LA was like; well when I told them about the lack of Wally Worlds they looked at me very seriously and asked, "Where do you buy all your groceries?” I proceeded to tell them that here are these amazing newfangled things called grocery stores and all they sell is food. I thought that their heads might actually explode.

I do miss Walmart though. There is just something so nice about a place where a loaf of bread will cost you $100 or more because the minute you enter the store you suddenly need a new lamp, four new shirts, a pair of shoes, a scrap book, and tires. I call it the Wal-Mart effect: the second you enter those automatic doors you are under the spell; for whatever reason you suddenly have to have that bundle of pre-packaged firewood on sale in the back of the store near the garden section…never mind the fact that it’s July and you don’t have a fireplace. Yes I definitely miss Wal-Mart just as much as I miss the rain. Nowhere out here could I get my car detailed, shop for dinner, and buy a new dress all at the same time!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Nobody Eat! We Haven't Prayed!

If you ate as good as we do y’all would be fat too!

If there is one thing that we Southerners know how to do it’s eat.
Now I know what you are thinking, everyone knows how to do that right…ha ha,
wrong. What people do in L.A. cannot be called eating. Los Angelinos tend to eat
to live where as Southerners live to eat. There is a reason that the South is the
most obese part of the country. You might be lead to think it’s because we are
lazy and sit around in our recliners and do nothing but watch NASCAR and reruns of Little house on the Prairie and Walker Texas Ranger, but you would be wrong.  I am here to tell you that is not at all true, in fact people in the South are some of
the hardest working people in the country. No, the reason we tend to tip the
scales and keep stores like Big and Tall in business is our food. Perhaps it’s not
considered fine dining, but deep Southern food is some of the best you will ever
taste.
That is one of the things I miss most when I am way from the dirty South. Food in L.A. is far from satisfying after you have had Mamaw’s
chicken and dumplins or Grandmother’s fried chicken (two different people by
the way). Now, true, come Christmas, Thanksgiving, Easter, Fourth of July,
Memorial Day and basically any major holiday as well as Sunday lunch (I’m
convinced my home church has a committee that just comes up with reasons to
get together and eat) our pants can get a little tight, but honey don’t you know
that is what Spanx are for? As a matter of fact I give credit for my hips to my
Mamaw, not her genes, her chocolate cake, that son of a bitch is slap your Mama
good!
Now some of you might be thinking how different can it be, really, the difference between southern food and the atrocity that is L.A. food. Well it’s your lucky day, my friends, I am here to take you through the ends and outs of Southern food. Meal by meal I will give examples of L.A. food and a Southern equivalent.
Let’s start with breakfast. Go to any café or bistro on the streets of the city
of angels and look at their morning menu and you will find something along the
lines of a list of omelets many of which are “healthy” and made with egg whites,
scones, muffins, now they do have pancakes I’ll give them that, but that may be
the only redeeming quality. If you strolled into Mamaw’s house any given morning
you would find biscuits with gravy or butter and syrup, sausage, bacon, whole
eggs not just the whites. Let me clarify by saying that these are not all individual
meals, all of this goes on one plate. Of course these are not the only breakfast
options, but I think it is safe to say they are the most common. Sometimes on a
special morning my mama would make these mini apple pie tasting things and oh
my god, talk about good. If you ask me there is just no comparison, egg whites or
biscuits with butter and syrup? It’s no Sophie’s Choice people it’s a classic no
brainer.
Next we have lunch.  Lunch in Los Angeles is just sad to me. I mean you go
into a restaurant and are presented with an assortment of sandwiches,
Panini’s, and wraps that have a tendency to leave you with this empty
unsatisfying feeling in the pit of your stomach; that feeling is hunger. You should
recognize it, it’s a chronic problem in Hollywood. If you want to know if what
you’re feeling is hunger just turn on your TV to any entertainment channel and if
the look on your face matches the look of the pissed off model on the runway you
can pretty much bet your hungry. Lunch down home can consist of many different
things. But if you’re getting together with the family then you are probably eating
some sort of chicken dish (probably fried, let’s face it that’s the best way) with
mashed potatoes, rice, butter beans, and string beans. There is also a chance that
you are eating some other sort of fried dish as well. We tend to fry whatever we
can in the south: pickles, squash, peppers, cheese, okra, corn, Twinkies, Oreos,
and a large number of other foods. We are quite creative in the South,
unfortunately this creativeness with food is usually what leads to our rising pant
size.
Finally we reach the climax on our menu list and that is Supper!  Now supper in this glamorous city we call Los Angeles isn’t all bad. I have in fact had many a good meal out here but the problem lies in the presentation. I usually have to pick a dish I can barely pronounce and strip it down to its bare minimum so I can make the dish recognizable.  So many times a perfectly good piece of chicken is ruined by some sauce that truthfully tastes like a watered down mix of mustard, Thousand Island dressing, and pepper. Maybe it’s my unrefined palette but I prefer the spread on the dining room table at home or a good old fashioned family restaurant. Supper meals at home are absolutely divine. One of my personal favorites is fried catfish with turnip greens, hush puppies, and a sweet potato. However you can also never go wrong with a big juicy steak. Another completely acceptable option is a roast served with mash potatoes, corn, rice, cornbread or biscuits, and gravy made from good old fashion fat and grease. Dessert would be whatever kind of delightful cake or pie Mama or Mamaw felt like making (if you’re lucky you get both).
So now you see the real reason diabetes, obesity, and heart disease settles in the South, it’s all about the food baby. I would like to say that I honestly have nothing against Los Angeles or your food. I do love living here, your meals just aren’t my cup of tea. I know that some of these meals might sound mortifying to some of you health nuts, but take comfort in the fact that your food sounds even worse to us.  So I propose we strike a bargain; you don’t constantly try to feed me your tofu, and I will resist the urge to toss your salad in the trash and stuff a big chunk of juicy red meat down your throat.  Do we have a deal?...Bon appetite!