Keeping your Southern roots in a place where the people don’t know britches from blue jeans!

 I have to admit that when I first moved out to Los Angeles it was a culture shock. The women and ways of this crazy world can be intimidating. I just remember thinking I look nothing like these girls out here, with my lack of Oompa Loompa orange spray on tan, bleach blonde hair, and size 0 pants, I wasn’t sure how I was going to fare. But as I watched the perfectly groomed plastic ladies walk by with their non-fat, no sugar, decaf latte, I realized, hey you don’t want to be like these women.  

 Number one, orange is not my best color, and walking around down South lookin’ like that will just get people asking what disease you’re afflicted with. Number two, with my pale skin and perfectly freckled face bleach blonde hair would just wash me out, and every Southern woman worth her salt knows you never wear a color that washes you out. Neither of these ideas were a particularly comforting thought, so I soon became quite comfortable with my Southernisms, red hair, blue eyes and, happy to say, size 6 body around these women. I chose to view them as what they really were, which was in the words of my late grandmother, Colleen Hollingsworth, “just tacky”. 

 This conclusion was also helped along by the realization that I could probably kick most of these women’s asses if it came to it. Not that I would ever resort to physical violence in a public place; a Southern lady would never do such a thing. No, we prefer to do our fighting with more class.  We will politely hold our tongues and our urge to smack that bitch until we can get them alone in the privacy of our back yards.  I’m kidding, we don’t do that…usually. Most of the time we are happy to settle for a back-handed compliment and an ever so sweet, “Bless her heart.” “She probably can’t help acting that way.” “You know who her family is right?”

Now if any Yankees are reading this, I know that sounds harsh, but we are well aware that she is probably saying the same thing to her circle of friends, and if we can accept it then you shouldn’t be getting your panties in a wad!